9. The left lane is not for cruising

This one gets tackled first, because it is the most recent incident, and it still burns my ass almost two days later. More on that later.

The left lane is, was, and always will be, a passing lane, Jessica. That's right-I'm calling you out (sorry, my dear). People in the world need to get to places, sometimes at different speeds than the one you choose to travel. On a major highway, for example I95, there are four lanes to travel in, and lots of cars clogging those lanes. I would define clogging as cars traveling approximately the same speed at slightly different points in as many lanes as there are available. Picture a flock of geese flying in V formation. Now picture those stupid fucking geese on the highway and trying to find a way around it.

Nobody likes when cars weave in and out of these geese, but can we blame them. I know I don't like it. There's a serious amount of self-loathing involved when I do it. I almost feel guilty (right). But this day and age, it is a necessary evil, because you won’t get the fuck out of the left lane. If we were all meant to travel at the same speed or the speed you feel like, there would only be one lane. We wouldn’t need the other three. Imagine the money that the DOT and taxpayers would save. Nobody expects you to accelerate to try and match the speed of the guy breathing down your neck. Just fuck off to one of the other lanes. It’s not a tall order, my friends. It requires very little effort – a simple flick of the steering wheel. And if you’re feeling bold, perhaps you could throw in a turn signal, but maybe I’m asking too much, too soon.

Luckily, there are some states in which this is law. States like New Jersey, Texas (thanks RKL), and others, try to enforce the edict that the left lane is for passing only. You see, the stuffed shirts running things actually believe that cruising in the passing lane is actually a detriment and that it affects traffic patterns and congestion. They believe it so blindly, that they will actually ticket you for it. The nerve! I would prefer it be punishable by death, or at least a serious ass-kicking, but that’s just me. What do I know?

Seriously, folks, it’s a small courtesy - a word that will be used often in this blog - to your fellow drivers, and conversely, one to yourself. Who out there doesn’t want to ease traffic a bit. Lord knows, you might be the one in a hurry some day.

Oh yeah, to the lovely lady on I95 between DC and B’more on Wednesday, the 23^rd of April, in the black Ford Escape (I got the license plate, too), don’t ever shake your head “no” again when someone asks you to get out of the left lane. You weren’t even doing the speed limit, you stupid cow. I hope you’re stricken with a terrible case of vaginal itch. So much so, that you drive off the road because you need both hands to scratch.

***Revised***

My first post will be a list. This is a list of do's and don't's, for the most part, sprinkled with some other things that tend to annoy me whilst I'm driving. I reserve the right to add or subtract from this list as I see fit. In the coming weeks, I will address each listing in further, excruciating detail. Most of you are familiar with the items on this list, and some of you are not, as you will eventually see. It is listed in no particular order.

1. If you cannot drive and talk on the phone at the same time, then do one or the other. This applies to eating, reading, putting on make-up, chewing gum, etc.

2. Turn signals are not just pretty blinking decorations on the outer corners of your car.

3. Stuffed animals have no business being in your car. This also applies to hat collections, crocheted pillows, and the like.

4. Another driver should not be subjected to your high-beams for more than three seconds, and that is being generous.

5. If you do not know where you are going, you should not use the middle of the road to figure it out.

6. Merging into traffic should not feel like going to war.

7. There is another way to slow your car down that does not involve stomping on the pedal that makes the pretty lights flash. It is called taking your foot off the accelerator.

8. The mirrors attached to your car are not just for fixing your hair or checking for food in your teeth.

9. The left lane on most major highways and thoroughfares is not for leisurely cruising, I swear to you, it isn't. You are going to have to trust me on this one. I know, it's hard to believe, but that's not what it's meant for, really. I mean it.

10. If it's raining and your wipers are on, your lights should be on too.
(one of the more sincere on this list)

11. Every driver should know how to operate a manual transmission. For those of you scratching your heads right now, it's the stick between the front seats that actually requires you to move it in all sorts of directions repeatedly in order to get your car to move forward and backward. (meant to be sincere, but it got away from me)

12. Unless your salary is paid by John and Jane Q. Taxpayer, it is not your job to enforce traffic laws and police other drivers while you are behind the wheel.

13. Hubcaps should never have been invented, nor should they continue to exist.

14. Have a reason for changing lanes. This should not be a random act.

15. Beware the Camry.

So there you have it. Please peruse this list and feel free to ask yourself, "Do any of these things apply to me?" Like I noted above, look for more in-depth explanations of each of these item in the very near future. Thanks for the time.