Having let enough time pass to fully recover from the spitting incident (isn’t that the name of a G’n’R album?), I’ve decided it is now time to turn my attention back to the severe deficiencies of my fellow commuters. One of my biggest pet peeves while driving is the mindless use of the headlights, more specifically the high beam. Yes, my fellow travelers, this is a serious problem that requires serious attention. Can you tell we’re in an election year? Headlight usage varies from not at all to excessive, and I will try to explore the reasons and reasoning behind these follies.
When I write that lights should be turned on when the windshield wipers are, it’s pretty self explanatory. Rain has a tendency to reduce visibility while driving, and turning on your headlights helps your fellow commuters see you in these damp times. Sadly, though, not everyone behind the wheel realizes that turning on one’s lights when it rains is a sound choice. We would rather slog on stealthily in a downpour, rather than alerting one another of our presence. It seems that leaning forward, pressing your face against the windshield to get a better look is a much better solution. Because who wouldn’t want to be that much closer to the glass before rear-ending the car in front of you? Makes perfect sense to me. I’m cautiously optimistic that perhaps this will one day catch on. But when some drivers barely remember to turn on their lights when it’s dark out, I guess that glass looks half empty after all.
Moving right along, high-beam usage is the more serious issue in my opinion. There are several different reasons that people drive with their high beams turned on. Now in the next few lines I will offend some people, and that’s ok. Serious issues require serious action, and I’m not afraid to be serious, seriously. Number one reason people drive with their high beams on is, simply, that they are stupid. Yes, I know, broad is the brush I paint with. Stupid people don’t have a fucking clue what is going on around them. This means that they are so stupid and clueless that when they turned their high beams on three weeks ago while driving on an empty road at night, they simply forgot to turn them off. Yes, stupid, I’m talking to you. Now you might say to yourself, but I forgot, and it’s not like I can see my own lights when I’m driving (a rebuttal I have heard in the past, honestly). Well, automakers long ago convened in a smoke-filled room to labor over this exact issue, and it probably went something like this:
“This is a real problem. How do we alert the driver that his high beams are on? I know! We’ll put a little blue light directly in front of the driver’s face that only comes on when the high beams are activated!”
Genius. Fucking genius. Unfortunately, the automakers didn’t count on the sheer stupidity of some folks, and that little blue light just isn’t enough. For these people I suggest that a big clown hand comes out of the steering wheel and slaps them right across their dopey faces. Seriously folks, pay attention when you drive. It’s a bright fucking blue light. We all know what it means. Can you really be that oblivious? Enough said.
Reason number two is that some people just can’t see. They can’t see well enough with regular headlights, so they turn on their high beams. At the cost of oncoming drivers and those on the road ahead, their ability to see three feet in front of them is more important. These people are called old. Yes, readers, I said it (wrote it, whatever)! When it comes to driving, old folks should have a curfew. There should be a mandatory driving test when drivers reach a certain age, and if you fail, you can’t drive after dark. I know, it’s harsh, but it’s a harsh reality. But being the benevolent creature that I am, I would also suggest that a system be put in place to shuttle these geriatrics to and from wherever they need to go after sunset. There can’t be many places. The bingo hall and spaghetti dinner at the VFW come to mind. The reality is that senior drivers can be a danger to others and themselves, because, although they don’t have the skills to drive in today’s traffic anymore, they have a genuine need to go places. I know I’ll get old someday, and nothing is going to stop me hitting the Keno lounge. So to all the aspiring politicians out there, can we address the problem and try to find a solution? Thanks.
Reason number three, people just don’t care. Hard to believe, but there do exist selfish people in this world, and some of them actually drive. At the expense of others, some will drive with their high beams on just because they can see better than with normal lights. They don’t care if they blind oncoming traffic. It’s probably happened to all of us. You’re trying to maneuver a winding, dimly lit road at night, and here he comes, that asshole 300 yards away cruising leisurely, without a care in the world, with his high beams on. And why should he care? He can see perfectly, while you struggle to get the steering angle correct for the next turn. Well, I will tell you this, he will care when that oncoming car careens into him head on because, guess what, he just couldn’t see (perhaps because he was old. Just kidding. Not really, though).
Lastly, and my personal favorite, people are just too cheap and lazy. You know that when you have a head light out, in most instances your high beams still both work? You do now! Some tricksters already figured this out, and instead of going out to get a replacement bulb, they will drive with their high beams on, usually to avoid getting pulled over. Cops do usually pull people over for that. Did you know that? A standard headlight bulb is anywhere from $5 - $10. Now as many of you know, my financial situation has been less than stellar recently, but in my twisted and warped mind, spending seven bucks is worth it. But not to some. Why spend money when they got two perfectly functioning high beams to blind you with? To these people I say, fuck yourselves, scumbags! Get off your lazy, cheap, foul-smelling asses and go get a bulb. It doesn’t take much. And to those of you that say (in your best whiney voice) “but I don’t know how to change my headlights”, I say you’re an idiot, a dolt even, and your license and dignity should be stripped from you in an embarrassingly public ceremony. There is a book in your glove box that tells you exactly what bulb to get, and how to replace it. So jog on!
Now you may be wondering to yourselves, why such animosity over such a small and seemingly harmless issue? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s rare that I expose my soft, sensitive underbelly to people, but this time I will. I occasionally suffer from migraines, and migraines cause me a painful sensitivity to light. And bright lights cause me to get migraines. It’s a vicious cycle, I know. So when someone has their high beams on, they may as well be drilling into my skull. I know I’m not alone. There are plenty of people out there with sand in their vaginas about this issue. But call it what you will, I stick to the belief that it’s a real problem, and real problems need real solutions, really.
