When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth

This is a letter i wrote to the heads of the possible $25 billion bailout of the "Big Three" American automakers. i just thought i would put my two cents in (formerly valued at 17.5 cents).

Dear Sirs,

I am writing this letter to you because you seem to be at the forefront of the bailout for the “Big Three”. I will begin by saying that I am on the fence about whether they should receive financial support from taxpayers. That is not what this letter is about. This is about my perspective on what is wrong with the American automakers, why they have failed, are failing, and will continue to fail, unless of course they make some serious changes. I am a car aficionado and I follow the goings-on in the auto industry on a daily basis. Again, this is my point of view, as an observer.

First of all, and this applies across the board, the Big Three have failed to embrace alternative fuels as a marketable technology. Only when a crisis was looming, and they were losing business to foreign automakers, did they begin to introduce hybrid vehicles or ethanol vehicles. Sadly though, they are seriously lagging behind their Asian counterparts on hybrid technology and E85 ethanol seems to have stalled as a viable alternative. In reference to ethanol, I would like to make a few points. Certain South American countries have been able to mandate that all new cars sold must run on sugar cane ethanol, a cheaper and all around better source of ethanol. The Big Three build and sell those cars in South America. Why was that technology never applied to the home market except in SUV’s and pick-up trucks? A second alternative would be natural gas. Why is it that almost all CNG vehicles are for government purposes only? And why is it so cost prohibitive to convert my vehicle to run on CNG, let alone find a CNG filling station remotely near to where I live, in the DC suburbs? Shall I continue? How is it that some hippie can convert his 1960’s VW Microbus to run on used cooking oil but the Big Three can’t find any viable fuel other than good old petroleum? Yes I know GM is introducing the “Volt”, an all-electric vehicle, but dare I say too little too late? Not to be pessimistic, but considering GM’s track record of late, I foresee delays to market, recalls, and a myriad of other hiccups that GM has been prone to. We shall wait and see, I guess.

Moving right along, let’s continue with GM. General Motors markets and sells seven different domestic brands. Seven! Chevrolet alone produces fourteen different vehicles. Now that’s all well and good, but why do we need the same fourteen vehicles reproduced in one form or another across six other product lines, not to mention the foreign makers that GM has a stake in? Do Americans really need seven different Chevy SUV’s/crossovers, let alone the other ten or so spread across the other product lines? Do we need a Cadillac luxury four-door pick-up truck when Chevy already makes such an abomination? Have I lost you? It is mind boggling, I know. There is so much redundancy in GM alone that it is almost unfathomable to think that there are people being paid large amounts of money to come up with these ideas. I challenge you to find any difference between a Yukon, an Escalade, and a Suburban, other than the badges of course. And one more thing about General Motors. GM has the nerve to introduce the Cadillac Escalade Hybrid, a vehicle that is capable of a staggering 19MPG highway, for a hybrid. Are you serious? Shame on you GM! Just so you could say you produce yet another hybrid vehicle, you market this symbol of needless excess to the public with a straight face. Luckily enough, rumor has it that the Escalade hybrid has already been axed from its product line. And did I mention the Hummer brand? The word dinosaur comes to mind.

Next in the crosshairs would be Chrysler. Again, the theme here is redundancy. Aside from the same vehicles being sold across different product lines, Chrysler is guilty of something more egregious in my opinion. Chrysler owns Jeep, a company that makes nothing but SUV’s and crossover vehicles. My question to the brass at Chrysler is can Jeep honestly produce seven different vehicles that are not alike in one form or another? Why does the public need seven different SUV’s from one automaker? And if, let’s hypothesize, there is a need for these seven SUV’s, why does Chrysler feel it necessary to re-badge four of them for their other product lines? You own a company that makes SUV’s and only SUV’s. If you want them to buy your product across all car classes, sell them a Chrysler sedan, or Jeep SUV, or a Dodge minivan. Put them all on the same lot, and sell them under the same umbrella, because that is in fact what you are, one car company. I don’t need a Dodge SUV and a Chrysler SUV and a Jeep SUV, or seven for that matter. I understand a certain amount of brand loyalty, but this is borderline ridiculous.

Last on the list, but certainly not least, is Ford Motor Company. Again, Ford is guilty of the same redundant business practices. Compare the Ford Escape to the Mercury Mariner, or the Ford Explorer to the Mercury Mountaineer, or the Ford Edge and the Lincoln MKX. I dare you to come up with any significant difference. A rose by any other name is still a Ford. Is the Lincoln Mark LT, another luxury four-door pickup truck really necessary? Is there really a market for such a vehicle? Why can’t Ford just sell a really decked out F-150? Ford, though, has announced a plan which I agree with wholeheartedly. Ford will begin selling the same products worldwide, which I think is the best idea they have had in quite some time. No more different cars for different markets. The same Ford Focus that sells in Europe will be the one you buy here in the US. This is a start. The next thing Ford should do is take Mercury, and either dissolve it, or produce cars that appeal to a demographic that a Ford doesn’t cater to. Attempt to attract buyers to your house that wouldn’t normally buy a Ford. There is absolutely no point and no reward in having two auto brands producing exactly the same vehicles. One point of interest, the only American car I have ever owned was the first generation Ford Focus. And why? Because it was a car designed and produced initially in Europe, for the European market. Now I realize my tastes don’t align with everyone else’s, but the point I am trying to make is that Ford can make me and people like me interested in their product again, all the while remaining true to the brand loyalists. It’s not impossible.

I think I made my point abundantly clear. The Big Three need to thin the herd a bit. I don’t believe American consumers need that many options from one manufacturer across two or three product lines, let alone in economic times like these. Focus on making fewer products, and making them better. Invest in alternative fuels, more fuel-efficient gasoline vehicles, and shed some dead weight. If the Big Three can’t see the writing on the wall, then $25 billion won’t serve them any good, and maybe the best thing in the long run, for us and them, would be for any or all of them to close their doors permanently.

Sincerely,

Gianluca DiSomma

It Makes My Head Hurt

Having let enough time pass to fully recover from the spitting incident (isn’t that the name of a G’n’R album?), I’ve decided it is now time to turn my attention back to the severe deficiencies of my fellow commuters. One of my biggest pet peeves while driving is the mindless use of the headlights, more specifically the high beam. Yes, my fellow travelers, this is a serious problem that requires serious attention. Can you tell we’re in an election year? Headlight usage varies from not at all to excessive, and I will try to explore the reasons and reasoning behind these follies.

When I write that lights should be turned on when the windshield wipers are, it’s pretty self explanatory. Rain has a tendency to reduce visibility while driving, and turning on your headlights helps your fellow commuters see you in these damp times. Sadly, though, not everyone behind the wheel realizes that turning on one’s lights when it rains is a sound choice. We would rather slog on stealthily in a downpour, rather than alerting one another of our presence. It seems that leaning forward, pressing your face against the windshield to get a better look is a much better solution. Because who wouldn’t want to be that much closer to the glass before rear-ending the car in front of you? Makes perfect sense to me. I’m cautiously optimistic that perhaps this will one day catch on. But when some drivers barely remember to turn on their lights when it’s dark out, I guess that glass looks half empty after all.

Moving right along, high-beam usage is the more serious issue in my opinion. There are several different reasons that people drive with their high beams turned on. Now in the next few lines I will offend some people, and that’s ok. Serious issues require serious action, and I’m not afraid to be serious, seriously. Number one reason people drive with their high beams on is, simply, that they are stupid. Yes, I know, broad is the brush I paint with. Stupid people don’t have a fucking clue what is going on around them. This means that they are so stupid and clueless that when they turned their high beams on three weeks ago while driving on an empty road at night, they simply forgot to turn them off. Yes, stupid, I’m talking to you. Now you might say to yourself, but I forgot, and it’s not like I can see my own lights when I’m driving (a rebuttal I have heard in the past, honestly). Well, automakers long ago convened in a smoke-filled room to labor over this exact issue, and it probably went something like this:

“This is a real problem. How do we alert the driver that his high beams are on? I know! We’ll put a little blue light directly in front of the driver’s face that only comes on when the high beams are activated!”

Genius. Fucking genius. Unfortunately, the automakers didn’t count on the sheer stupidity of some folks, and that little blue light just isn’t enough. For these people I suggest that a big clown hand comes out of the steering wheel and slaps them right across their dopey faces. Seriously folks, pay attention when you drive. It’s a bright fucking blue light. We all know what it means. Can you really be that oblivious? Enough said.

Reason number two is that some people just can’t see. They can’t see well enough with regular headlights, so they turn on their high beams. At the cost of oncoming drivers and those on the road ahead, their ability to see three feet in front of them is more important. These people are called old. Yes, readers, I said it (wrote it, whatever)! When it comes to driving, old folks should have a curfew. There should be a mandatory driving test when drivers reach a certain age, and if you fail, you can’t drive after dark. I know, it’s harsh, but it’s a harsh reality. But being the benevolent creature that I am, I would also suggest that a system be put in place to shuttle these geriatrics to and from wherever they need to go after sunset. There can’t be many places. The bingo hall and spaghetti dinner at the VFW come to mind. The reality is that senior drivers can be a danger to others and themselves, because, although they don’t have the skills to drive in today’s traffic anymore, they have a genuine need to go places. I know I’ll get old someday, and nothing is going to stop me hitting the Keno lounge. So to all the aspiring politicians out there, can we address the problem and try to find a solution? Thanks.

Reason number three, people just don’t care. Hard to believe, but there do exist selfish people in this world, and some of them actually drive. At the expense of others, some will drive with their high beams on just because they can see better than with normal lights. They don’t care if they blind oncoming traffic. It’s probably happened to all of us. You’re trying to maneuver a winding, dimly lit road at night, and here he comes, that asshole 300 yards away cruising leisurely, without a care in the world, with his high beams on. And why should he care? He can see perfectly, while you struggle to get the steering angle correct for the next turn. Well, I will tell you this, he will care when that oncoming car careens into him head on because, guess what, he just couldn’t see (perhaps because he was old. Just kidding. Not really, though).

Lastly, and my personal favorite, people are just too cheap and lazy. You know that when you have a head light out, in most instances your high beams still both work? You do now! Some tricksters already figured this out, and instead of going out to get a replacement bulb, they will drive with their high beams on, usually to avoid getting pulled over. Cops do usually pull people over for that. Did you know that? A standard headlight bulb is anywhere from $5 - $10. Now as many of you know, my financial situation has been less than stellar recently, but in my twisted and warped mind, spending seven bucks is worth it. But not to some. Why spend money when they got two perfectly functioning high beams to blind you with? To these people I say, fuck yourselves, scumbags! Get off your lazy, cheap, foul-smelling asses and go get a bulb. It doesn’t take much. And to those of you that say (in your best whiney voice) “but I don’t know how to change my headlights”, I say you’re an idiot, a dolt even, and your license and dignity should be stripped from you in an embarrassingly public ceremony. There is a book in your glove box that tells you exactly what bulb to get, and how to replace it. So jog on!

Now you may be wondering to yourselves, why such animosity over such a small and seemingly harmless issue? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s rare that I expose my soft, sensitive underbelly to people, but this time I will. I occasionally suffer from migraines, and migraines cause me a painful sensitivity to light. And bright lights cause me to get migraines. It’s a vicious cycle, I know. So when someone has their high beams on, they may as well be drilling into my skull. I know I’m not alone. There are plenty of people out there with sand in their vaginas about this issue. But call it what you will, I stick to the belief that it’s a real problem, and real problems need real solutions, really.

Devil in a Blue Honda

I am going to have to forego the list this week and address an incident I had Wednesday of last week. When something this surreal happens, it needs to be dissected.

I was picking a friend up, and arriving at my destination, I drove through a parking lot. I found myself next to a car that was trying to exit a parking space. In my mind, it would have taken as much time, if not more, for me to stop as it would have to keep moving, so I kept moving. As I pass this car I hear a barrage of curse words, so I did the only thing that I could do. I calmly raised my middle finger and showed this gentleman that he was number one in my book. Seeing this, he turns his car around and proceeds to chase me down. I notice this, and I immediately pull over to discuss the issue of his number one status.

My innocent ears are immediately assaulted with the most colorful of language. I defend my case, fire back a few rounds, and inform him that if he is in such a hurry, he’s welcome to move on. He kindly clues me in to the fact that nobody tells him what to do, so rather than waste any more time, I move on. I park at my destination 500 feet away, and my stalker proceeds to do the same.

I call my friend to inform him I arrived, and a few minutes go by. Number one then pulls up next to me, and reminds me of what a fucking faggot I am (I had totally forgotten), and warns me to beware of whom I flip off next time. I inform him of my amazement that he is wasting any more time with this, thank him, and salute him with that familiar middle finger. Unbeknownst to me, he has even more free time to discuss this. He turns his car around once again, parks behind me, gets out of his car, and moves next to my car to discuss it even further. Talk about beating a dead horse.

A further assault of swear words - think shock and awe – and frankly, I’ve reached unprecedented levels of boredom. Sensing my boredom, he decides to spice things up a bit…

...by spitting in my face. I know, I know, I would have sworn up and down that he swallowed. Imagine my surprise! I step out of my car and guess what I did? Nothing. You might think that I am well within my right to make this guy my bitch and make him call me daddy, and normally, I would have given it the old college try. Anyone that knows me is aware of that. But for some reason, all I could do was laugh. I inquired as to why in the world he would spit in my face. I mean, in my mind, this is schoolyard bullshit. I gave you the finger, you waste this much time on it, only to put the exclamation point on it by spitting? Really? Why not insult my mother or my sister? I mean, come on! I’ve taken a beating, and I’ve given some too, so let’s have at it. If you’re that upset, just give it a go. Take a swing and put your money where your mouth is.

These are all things I convey to him, and he doesn’t seem interested. He prefers to question my heterosexuality. The way I see it, he is looking for something, namely for me to take the first shot. But something about this alarms me, and so I don’t. I don’t need the hassle, and I don’t need the attention. I don’t know if this guy is a minor, or if he’s connected, or what. I know my rights, but it just isn’t worth it. My friend has arrived at this point. A few more minutes of verbal jousting go by (the stuff of a Harvard debate team) and I go on my way, warned to heed his words never to give him the finger again.

A few days have passed now, and I am still not sure what to make of this or what to take from it. Did I egg him on? Yes. Should it have gotten to the point that it did? Definitely not. I know that I can be a dick about certain things, but what this boils down to is that we had a difference of opinion. He thought I should have stopped and let him go, and I thought otherwise. I countered his swearing with my finger. Should it have gone further than this exchange? Absolutely not. I would have been perfectly at peace to have gone on my way, never to have had to deal with this ignoramus, and he should have felt the exact same thing about it and me. No harm, no foul, the saying goes.

Instead, we wasted about twenty minutes that neither one of us will ever get back, and for what? So that my newfound friend could exercise his salivary glands. Next time you want to puff out your chest like a cock (rooster, but it makes for a nice double entendre), see it to the finish, and put me down like you insinuated you could, because otherwise, you don’t intimidate me. You’re just another scared, insecure guy with big mouth. Someday, you may run into someone who doesn’t listen to that voice in his head, and my guess is you will probably regret it. Best of luck to you, chum, and take care of your brand new dark blue Honda Civic Si coupe with Missouri plates. Downtown Silver Spring, Maryland can be a strange and scary place, as I recently discovered.

9. The left lane is not for cruising

This one gets tackled first, because it is the most recent incident, and it still burns my ass almost two days later. More on that later.

The left lane is, was, and always will be, a passing lane, Jessica. That's right-I'm calling you out (sorry, my dear). People in the world need to get to places, sometimes at different speeds than the one you choose to travel. On a major highway, for example I95, there are four lanes to travel in, and lots of cars clogging those lanes. I would define clogging as cars traveling approximately the same speed at slightly different points in as many lanes as there are available. Picture a flock of geese flying in V formation. Now picture those stupid fucking geese on the highway and trying to find a way around it.

Nobody likes when cars weave in and out of these geese, but can we blame them. I know I don't like it. There's a serious amount of self-loathing involved when I do it. I almost feel guilty (right). But this day and age, it is a necessary evil, because you won’t get the fuck out of the left lane. If we were all meant to travel at the same speed or the speed you feel like, there would only be one lane. We wouldn’t need the other three. Imagine the money that the DOT and taxpayers would save. Nobody expects you to accelerate to try and match the speed of the guy breathing down your neck. Just fuck off to one of the other lanes. It’s not a tall order, my friends. It requires very little effort – a simple flick of the steering wheel. And if you’re feeling bold, perhaps you could throw in a turn signal, but maybe I’m asking too much, too soon.

Luckily, there are some states in which this is law. States like New Jersey, Texas (thanks RKL), and others, try to enforce the edict that the left lane is for passing only. You see, the stuffed shirts running things actually believe that cruising in the passing lane is actually a detriment and that it affects traffic patterns and congestion. They believe it so blindly, that they will actually ticket you for it. The nerve! I would prefer it be punishable by death, or at least a serious ass-kicking, but that’s just me. What do I know?

Seriously, folks, it’s a small courtesy - a word that will be used often in this blog - to your fellow drivers, and conversely, one to yourself. Who out there doesn’t want to ease traffic a bit. Lord knows, you might be the one in a hurry some day.

Oh yeah, to the lovely lady on I95 between DC and B’more on Wednesday, the 23^rd of April, in the black Ford Escape (I got the license plate, too), don’t ever shake your head “no” again when someone asks you to get out of the left lane. You weren’t even doing the speed limit, you stupid cow. I hope you’re stricken with a terrible case of vaginal itch. So much so, that you drive off the road because you need both hands to scratch.

***Revised***

My first post will be a list. This is a list of do's and don't's, for the most part, sprinkled with some other things that tend to annoy me whilst I'm driving. I reserve the right to add or subtract from this list as I see fit. In the coming weeks, I will address each listing in further, excruciating detail. Most of you are familiar with the items on this list, and some of you are not, as you will eventually see. It is listed in no particular order.

1. If you cannot drive and talk on the phone at the same time, then do one or the other. This applies to eating, reading, putting on make-up, chewing gum, etc.

2. Turn signals are not just pretty blinking decorations on the outer corners of your car.

3. Stuffed animals have no business being in your car. This also applies to hat collections, crocheted pillows, and the like.

4. Another driver should not be subjected to your high-beams for more than three seconds, and that is being generous.

5. If you do not know where you are going, you should not use the middle of the road to figure it out.

6. Merging into traffic should not feel like going to war.

7. There is another way to slow your car down that does not involve stomping on the pedal that makes the pretty lights flash. It is called taking your foot off the accelerator.

8. The mirrors attached to your car are not just for fixing your hair or checking for food in your teeth.

9. The left lane on most major highways and thoroughfares is not for leisurely cruising, I swear to you, it isn't. You are going to have to trust me on this one. I know, it's hard to believe, but that's not what it's meant for, really. I mean it.

10. If it's raining and your wipers are on, your lights should be on too.
(one of the more sincere on this list)

11. Every driver should know how to operate a manual transmission. For those of you scratching your heads right now, it's the stick between the front seats that actually requires you to move it in all sorts of directions repeatedly in order to get your car to move forward and backward. (meant to be sincere, but it got away from me)

12. Unless your salary is paid by John and Jane Q. Taxpayer, it is not your job to enforce traffic laws and police other drivers while you are behind the wheel.

13. Hubcaps should never have been invented, nor should they continue to exist.

14. Have a reason for changing lanes. This should not be a random act.

15. Beware the Camry.

So there you have it. Please peruse this list and feel free to ask yourself, "Do any of these things apply to me?" Like I noted above, look for more in-depth explanations of each of these item in the very near future. Thanks for the time.